The Relationship Dilemma

"I was once so in love, that everyday I would wake up and smile just knowing he was in my life, and all mine..."

At times, the hardest thing for me to imagine is that the quote written above was actually once said and experienced by...Me. 


Sometimes I don't even remember what it was like to be that "person" I once was. It seems like she existed in a lifetime that swiftly ended LONG ago. 


I'd like to go along and say with the rest of the "Haven't yet found that RIGHT person yet" crowd, but my hesitance towards any type of serious relationship is for an altogether different reason.


Please don't misunderstand, in the now almost 10 years I've been aware of and constantly trying to keep at bay the illness I suffer from, I definitely have had relationships every now and again, but they were with people who I knew would never work, and at the most would last six months (lol - which is usually when the chemistry runs out and the both of us realized we had NOTHING in common).


I believe it was a conscious choice I made, and one that most people could understand. You see, when someone is critically ill, most people assume that they either get better, or - die. That's how it is in Nature and how it should be in life (in my opinion). 


No one wants to watch someone they love suffer for years and years, and AFTER those years and years even the "sufferer" notices the changes in those "loved ones" around them. It IS really hard to watch; a dire situation where both parties involved seem to whither, fade, and lose that "light" within them with every failed attempt after another. 



SO. Having said that - why would I purposely allow someone in my life if I knew I would be a burden to them? I'd like to think that when you enter a relationship there should be a 50/50 give and take, and I know that with being chronically ill, that is something that I simply cannot give.

However, I never thought it would take this long...I always felt I had a "shot" at recovery (and still DO!), it's just that I'm coming to realize that Life without Love is just as damaging to a person's soul as a disease is to their body. 


I'd like to think that one day I'll meet someone who can look me in the eye and without need for explanation, just somehow understand where I've been, know where I'm at, and with that knowing, catch me as I (inevitably) collapse with sheer exhaustion into their embrace, soaking up all the Love I've missed out on, and finally being able to give that love back with the simple knowledge that this person has been there too. 


I watched an oddly beautiful movie the other day (ironically) called "LOVE" and was so captivated by the beauty in the opening lines that I thought to share, as it not only reflects how I often feel, but continues to give me hope in the most lonely and dark days:

"Sometimes when I wake up, I feel like I'm still dreaming. I feel like all the colors and shapes of the world have collided, and all I can do is just sit there and watch. I think a person's heart has a way of turning off when it can't find reason...I guess that's why nature has always had an inspiring presence - there everything follows a purpose...

 ...I'd like to hope our history is worth remembering; an imprint of careful design, a feeling of heartfelt purpose, and a sense of hope for something greater than ourselves. Then...maybe I'll wake up."

 Sarah