Saturday, January 14, 2012

One Very Strange Dream...

My closest friends would agree with me when I say that, in my life, I've often had profoundly insightful dreams, and in this post, I'd like to tell you about one of them. I didn't realize it at the time, and certainly didn't understand it then, but I do now, and my hope is that the message in it will resonate within your hearts...

I will tell you this: You will not like this dream at first (lol - you may even think I was having a nightmare!). That's okay, I didn't either, but please, wait for the end.

If you have read some of my previous posts you would know that as a teenager, I was very preoccupied with the idea of mortality and relentlessly questioned the purpose of life itself. So, it would make sense that I happen to experience this very vivid and unforgettable dream during that time. 

For some reason, my most memorable dreams often include my sister and our best friend, and this one was no exception. The first thing I remembered was the smell of chlorine, and although there was no indoor swimming pool, the three of us were dressed in black one-piece bathing suits that were reminiscent of the 1940's. Besides that we each had white matching swimming caps on and nothing else. I could feel the rough tiled floor beneath our bare feet, had a sense of a lengthy window that lightened pale blue walls, and illuminated the swirls of steam surrounding us, and for the first time realized we were waiting in a very long line. 

This particular line was strange - it had rules. It was simply understood that we were all unable to leave it and that we were also forbidden to change the order in which the three of us were standing. My sister was before me, my friend behind, and it seemed as if hundreds of other, men, women and children were both in front of and in the back of all of us.

There was a buzzing chatter from were we stood. No one could see the front of the line, could understand what we were waiting for, and the taste of fear and apprehension about this fact burned like fire in our mouths. We all knew we were trapped.

For what seemed an eternity we stood there, slowly moving forward every now and then, penetrating the fog, and desperately hoping to see what fate awaited us. 

When I did finally see where we were headed, where the line actually ended that is, a wave of shock and horror permeated throughout my body as I watched in utter disbelief as two militant men, grabbed the arms of the first person in line, dragged them over to a pale blue wall, and forcefully spun them around to face an over-enthusiastic firing squad. The person was then asked to count down from ten, and the second they reached the number one, was shot dead and thrown into the pile of unfortunate souls who happen to be in line before them.

I could feel my body freeze with the stunning realization that I, along with the two people I loved most in the world, were about to...die. Oddly, panic or protest didn't entertain my mind in the least. In fact, although I could not say the same for my sister who was practically roaring in defiance by now, the only thoughts that raced through my mind were ones of curiousity. I wondered if it was going to hurt to die, how would it feel? What would happen to me afterwards? Where would I go? This is really IT...I kept thinking, why aren't I freaking out??

As we approached the front of the line, I became distraught that my sister was before me, my friend and I tried to calm her hysterics, but she seemed unreachable, and by the time her turn came and she was forced to start counting down, I remember listening as her voice trembled the numbers out loud. I saw her face fill with fear as she neared the end, and then contort into one of absolute rage as she somehow managed to flee her captures and make a run for it. The sounds of shots fired rang out, and I looked away in despair, knowing she hadn't made it.

I was next in line, and quickly turned to my friend before the soldiers came near, attempting a lame joke by saying, "Well, I hope to see you in a few." We both forced a sad smile for reassurance, and I closed my eyes as I was led to the wall, turned around and asked to start counting. I remember saying the first few numbers out loud with ease, but as I reached five, my pace slowed a bit as my mind began to race again, asking the same questions it had before. I just couldn't believe this was really voice started to shake but I continued to count down. 

I heard the shots fire the moment I said, "One," but never felt the bullets. Instead I felt a sensation of swift descent as if I was on a roller coaster ride that had been hovering over the top of a huge drop, and finally released at such an incredible pace that my stomach leapt. 

The drop seemed to last forever and the speed was lightening fast...suddenly I came to a quick and abrupt stop and finally opened my eyes. 

Emotions of sheer joy, happiness and...confusion flooded through me as I found myself sitting cross-legged next to my sister and our friend in a bright white transparent-like room. (This dream was SO before "The Matrix" it's not even funny...) We all looked at each other with wonder. Where are we? What happened? It seemed the three of us had absolutely no idea where we were. "Did we die?" I thought to myself, and as if on queue a man appeared to walk through the transparent walls to sit next to us.

He was unimaginably beautiful - it was his eyes really, I couldn't tear myself away from the warmth, light, and gentleness I saw in them. Seriously, it almost hurt to gaze upon him and that kind of light. He was wearing a reddish-brown cloth that reminded me of some kind of historical monk and his feet was wrapped with ancient sandals. Comforted by his presence I asked aloud this time, "Did we die?"

He took a moment to answer, but when he did, I couldn't help but notice how his voice held an incredible soothing paternal melody to it. He answered ambiguously, saying that in "our" sense of the word, yes we did in fact die.

"Well, I replied in awe, what do we do now?" He looked at me and smiled. "Do what I do." he said, and with a wave of his hand the white transparent room instantly transformed into the most beautiful tropical paradise I had ever seen.

"Do what I do." He said..."Create..." 

I awoke the next morning with a feeling of complete peace, but I soon became confused. Why did he say create? I had never understood that part. You see this was before all the ideas of the "New Age" movement came with its' Law of Attraction, and movies like, "The Secret". Only after being introduced to these ideas did I finally understand the notion that our thoughts and emotions are truly an incredible creative force, and that the choices we make on a day to day basis about them have a remarkable impact in the creation of our own personal fact, one might say that they even become our lives. 

What I am learning from this is that although I cannot control that my illness wasn't "caught early," and because of that am unsure of what my own future entails, but I CAN control certain things that hopefully will have an amazing impact for my future reality.

I can chose which foods I put into my body, I can forgive myself for not being a "perfect patient" all these years. I can choose to work with my body instead of against it. I can create boundaries for those who don't understand my condition and learn to say NO when they ask too much of me (and not feel guilty about it!) I can allow myself to receive love and healing and be okay about the fact that it may take years to heal. I can put myself first (wow, that's a big one!)

The last thing I want for myself is to leave this world knowing that I could have made better choices to help myself recover. 

It may take longer than usual to manifest, but I think, for me, this just might be the lesson of a lifetime. 

Much Love and Many Blessings,


LymeMargaritas said...

I keep reading this paragraph over and over again:
"I can chose which foods I put into my body, I can forgive myself for not being a "perfect patient" all these years. I can choose to work with my body instead of against it. I can create boundaries for those who don't understand my condition and learn to say NO when they ask too much of me (and not feel guilty about it!) I can allow myself to receive love and healing and be okay about the fact that it may take years to heal. I can put myself first (wow, that's a big one!)"

I need to drill this in my brain!!! I struggle so much with the guilt of this illness. Especially since I defeated Lyme and was functional for 2 years and now I back at the beginning. Not being able to work right now is killing me! Struggles with fianances, losing friendships is almost worse than the symptoms of the disease. Anyway, I am glad we have found each other through our blogs and can support one another. Keep fighting the good fight!

Sarah Lamando said...

Hi Sarah : )

I totally know what you mean about getting your life back and then losing it's almost like a sick joke or something! But I think what I've learned SO much from it - Like it took me twice of "Losing Everything" to understand that I really don't NEED anything (materially speaking). I hope when I get better to remember that...

SO glad you like the paragraph! I actually wrote it down quickly, and am quite sure there are a million other little choices I CAN make to help myself. Honestly, the hardest part is just accepting where you're at, actually taking the steps to DO what you can, and NOT concerning yourself with how your "healthy" friends are leading their lives.

I'm constantly trying to remind myself that the race is only with...myself! : )

Glad to have found you too!! Keep writing and fighting girl!
Best Wishes,

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