My friends and family would probably be the first to tell you that I have become quite skilled at pulling "Disappearing Acts".
To them, this may seem strange, but to me it is an essential survival tactic I use when I simply can't take it anymore. There are markers for these bouts, that I have recently become aware of. Oddly enough, it starts when I begin to get the feeling that if actually hear, read, or write the word "Lyme" one more time, I'm seriously going to lose it, but if I really think about it, it ALL boils down to elementary math. Like so:
If "A" is equal to the amount of energy I spend creating the facade I use to hide behind basically everything that comes along with an illness like this, and "B" is equal to the energy I mentally, physically and emotionally have at any given time. Then whenever A < B, I disappear.
Disappearing can be very, very frustrating to people, but I would urge them to not take it personally when I barely say a word around the house, and stare aimlessly at the computer all day. Or when I don't return phone calls, e-mails, texts, and fall behind on this blog; when I basically can literally do nothing more than sleep around the clock.
I would also like to say that observations of me during this time can be quite deceiving. Those who live with me may have the misunderstanding that I simply become deeply depressed every month or so. However logical that may sound, it's almost laughable how far from the truth that actually is.
During this time, I don't feel numb, disinterested or lethargic. On the contrary, I usually am in a world of physical pain that I can't expect you to understand and therefore, respectfully keep silent about it. I don't talk, not because I have nothing to say, but because I am usually sooo mentally disorientated, confused, and emotionally liable that I actually know that it would be in everyone's best interest if I kept my mouth shut : )
The inspiration for this post has a lot to do with a remark a friend of mine made to me the other day. He said, "When I feel down, I want my friends around me." In truth, I actually understand this thinking, I've been through that kind of "down" before, but I wish to god people could understand that what I am referring to here is not a down, it's a complete "out for the count" type scenario. So please, even if you don't get it - just know we love you, will be taking a few weeks off, and would be sincerely overjoyed to see that you are there whenever it is we are able to reappear.
Thanks for listening : )