Saturday, February 4, 2012

Disappearing Acts...

My friends and family would probably be the first to tell you that I have become quite skilled at pulling "Disappearing Acts".

To them, this may seem strange, but to me it is an essential survival tactic I use when I simply can't take it anymore. There are markers for these bouts, that I have recently become aware of. Oddly enough, it starts when I begin to get the feeling that if actually hear, read, or write the word "Lyme" one more time, I'm seriously going to lose it, but if I really think about it, it ALL boils down to elementary math. Like so:

If "A" is equal to the amount of energy I spend creating the facade I use to hide behind basically everything that comes along with an illness like this, and "B" is equal to the energy I mentally, physically and emotionally have at any given time. Then whenever A < B, I disappear.

Disappearing can be very, very frustrating to people, but I would urge them to not take it personally when I barely say a word around the house, and stare aimlessly at the computer all day. Or when I don't return phone calls, e-mails, texts, and fall behind on this blog; when I basically can literally do nothing more than sleep around the clock.

I would also like to say that observations of me during this time can be quite deceiving. Those who live with me may have the misunderstanding that I simply become deeply depressed every month or so. However logical that may sound, it's almost laughable how far from the truth that actually is. 

During this time, I don't feel numb, disinterested or lethargic. On the contrary, I usually am in a world of physical pain that I can't expect you to understand and therefore, respectfully keep silent about it. I don't talk, not because I have nothing to say, but because I am usually sooo mentally disorientated, confused, and emotionally liable that I actually know that it would be in everyone's best interest if I kept my mouth shut : )

The inspiration for this post has a lot to do with a remark a friend of mine made to me the other day. He said, "When I feel down, I want my friends around me." In truth, I actually understand this thinking, I've been through that kind of "down" before, but I wish to god people could understand that what I am referring to here is not a down, it's a complete "out for the count" type scenario. So please, even if you don't get it - just know we love you, will be taking a few weeks off, and would be sincerely overjoyed to see that you are there whenever it is we are able to reappear.

Thanks for listening : )


Anonymous said...

I would like to post a comment, how could I ever criticize, I am in no position to make any suggestions or shout-outs.

God Bless you I pray for you every day Sarah. I can't try to understand what you are going through because 'I am one of the lucky ones.' You have taken so much time to explain things to me and it probably took all the energy you had.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are an inspiration. Keep fighting and if you need to disappear every now and then, I'll keep watching for you to reappear <3

Sarah Lamando said...

Hi Betty : )

You're the first person to remark about my "post a comment" - it was meant to be a rather funny, inviting type thing. Those who know me when I'm healthy would tell you I have a pretty good sense of humor and even like to pull sarcastic jabs occasionally : )

This bout I'm in is hopefully the result of a herx from a remedy my doctor gave me - it's lasted nearly two weeks now and is slightly abating. So, I'm sure I'll be reappearing very soon!

In the meantime, I'll be thinking and praying for you and your family as well. Lots and lots of love and blessings.


kathryn richards said...

I think we are kindred, spiritual twins. I love how you can so aptly put into words things I have struggled with for decades. love your writing!

Sarah Lamando said...

Thanks so much Kathryn : ) I'm so happy I could put it into words...although - I must say, lately I've been looking at that math equation of mine and thinking - is this correct?? (Mathematically speaking) Lol - even if it's not, I think everyone got the idea!

Lots of love and healing thought to you and your family,

Anonymous said...

Am I the friend- the inspiration for your post? LOVE YOU!! Charles O. Sanchis

Sarah Lamando said...

Hah! Nothing gets past you my dear : )

Yes, you were the inspiration behind the post...hope you don't mind. I can't tell you how often I think of you Jessie, and Jess whenever I disappear, but I want you to know that I LOVE you guys more than you can imagine - especially your infinite patience and understanding when it comes to this particular issue.

Hopefully we can catch up this week...guess who's feeling just a little bit better?? : P


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All and any comments, criticisms, suggestions, shout-outs, or any other uncontainable remarks are ABSOLUTELY and completely welcome : )